Felix: So today, family-friendly Felix is going to -do some instructional videos. I am-um m-my mission here is to spread the positive message of instructional videos. Instructional videos! Felix: I don’t know if you’ve seen them, uhh… there’s some really old ones. For example, this one is a guide- (Felix briefly forgets what the internet is) -to the internet. The family guide to computers. (Jazzy 90’s Song Playing) “Twilight Zone to Star Trek” Felix:YES!!!! YES!!! “Hardware, Software, take a seat, if you dare! ” “Power up!” “Download” “Database” “BREAK THE CODE” “CD ROM” Felix: It’s A RAP! “Point-AND-CLICK!” “TAKE THE SPIN NOW YOU’RE IN REALLY TECHNO HIP” “ALL BECAUSE OF A COMPUTER CHIP!!!!” (song ends) Felix: Dayum that was tight. Felix: Dayum that was tight. (Another Jazzy Rendition Of The Theme With No Lyrics) Felix: The Jamison family. Felix: Remember the Jamison family? Mr. Jamison: It’s another day in the- Felix: *laughing* ahhahahah what the fuck was Mr. Jamison: -life of my family. Felix: This is 28 minutes I’m barely getting started! hitting a little bit like yours, hi Mr. Jamison: It’s a little bit like yours Mrs. Jamison: Hi! Felix: *Leafy voice* I wanna kill myself i wanna kill myself and if you’re like Mrs. Jamison: And if you’re like us until recently we didn’t know much about computers. Felix in unison: We’re the Jamisons But a few months ago we decided to join the information age.
Felix: YES Felix: Oh I love this so much I love it so much thank you. Mrs. Jamison: We’d like to share with you what our family has learned about computers. Boy: Well the first thing you need to do, is- Pewds: watch porn. Girl: It’s really exciting to take the computer out of the box. Felix: I’m going for it *grunting and saying YEAH* Mr. Jamison: I recommend that first you make sure all the parts are there before you start to get underway. Mrs. Jamison: That’s right, and everyone can help. Mrs. Jamison: You know they’ve made it so much easier than in the old days. Now most computer systems are sold with a lot of software programs already installed. Boi: And the installation of additional software is made automatic with
with with Microsoft Windows 95 Microsoft Windows 95 Felix (Distorted): Oh my- *Deep breath* Felix: Windows 95 *smacks lips* – The good old days windows 95, the good old days if you’re Girl: If you’re lucky your system will have color-coded lucky your system will have color-coded cables that enable you to put your PC- Felix: FUCK!
NOOO! Felix: GODDAMN HOW DO I PLUG THESE IN!? how am i supposed to know and the installation of additional Felix: *Angry voice* How am I supposed to know????????? Boi: And the installation of additional software- Felix: Why was this haircut out of all un-god forbidden haircuts popular I don’t understand ungodforbidden haircuts popular I don’t What do you guys think, is it working for me? I feel fucking anime as shit right now dawg. Mr. Jamison: If you’re serious about- God not so fucking close. Mr. Jamison: You really need to start out with an understanding of the basics of your system and how to use each program so let’s dive right in (Another rendition of the jazzy song) “All because of a computer chip!” Felix: J- Yess!! Felix: Yes! All because of a computer chip! (He pronounces chip “ship”) All because of a computer’s shit! And my family is a- family is it because and my mother is All because- And my mother is a fat bitc– Mrs. Jamison: One of the most basic computer applications is word processing! Mr. Jamison: In the good old days this was known as typing *Dumbass laugh* *Felix joins the laughter* *Inhales rapidly* *Laughter continues* HAHAHAHAHA *stopping* Girl: and I did the news letter for girl scouts complete with pictures. Daughter: And I didn’t lose either for girl scouts Mr. Jamison: That’s great Mrs. Jamison: That’s great honey! *Felix scoffs* *And laughs too* Condescending that’s- that’s come back when you get an A Mrs. Jamison: Even though I work out of the home, professional word processing makes my company work as big as the others! Felix: Can you stop touching her? It’s making me uncomfortable. Mrs. Jamison: One program that’s included in many computer bundles is microsoft works. *Pause* Felix: What the fuck is peter doing? What the- Felix: Peter, what the hell man? Felix:Youf- you.. You weirdo! Mrs. Jamison: Like spell check and cut and paste makes your document look like it’s professionally printed Felix: professionally printed *small laugh* Every time they type they don’t know how to type they miss-type every fucking time Mrs.Jamison: (…) features like spell check and cut and paste make your document looks like it’s professionally printed *laugh* Felix: He p- he click space (felix pronounces it pace) instead of- Look! It’s not even straight Mrs.Jamison: and today many of these applications come bundled together with other programs in money-saving packages called suites and they can represent some real savings
Mr.Jamison: You know Ann (The Womans Name?) you get more today for two hundred and fifty dollars than you used to get for twice that amount (another jazzy rendition of the theme) Say you’re thinking of opening up a new business and you want to see if you’re on the road to success you should use a spreadsheet to plan your budget. Do you know what a spreadsheet is, Peter? Felix: *burp* no but I know what your mama spreads at night Mr: Well the first thing you need to determine is your system resource availability Felix: oh shit Girl: What’s that? Boi: That’s fancy computer talk for whether you have enough processing power, disc space and memory to handle the application you’re going to run Felix: Just look at everyone, They have no idea what the fuck is going on It’s so beautiful Mrs: With today’s more powerful programs they do require a lot more memory and storage Mr: I still remember back in the old days of computers when forty megabytes was a lot *Felix baah* Boi: Geez Dad! That’s ancient history! (Felix Mocking): Jeez DAD! That’s Ancient HISTORY!!!! Felix (Still Mocking) : Get on my level bitch I got a six hundred megabyte Ram with 200 gigahertz processor that will fucking fat your ass up dawg! its hella tight Did you have black and white televisions back then too? Felix (Still Mocking) He GOT black and white display on that shit dawg????? Felix (Still Mocking) What THE FUck are u fuckin POOR??? Mrs: To install a suite of office applications you use the same type of installation process for most other programs. Felix: okay what is it ,what is it ,what is it! Mrs: you click on my computer Felix:OKAY then select add and remove programs Felix: OK click ahead to install the application from your CD or disk! Felix: FUCK ITS TOO Fast Girl: -Default locations most of the time Felix: Did they say delete system32 is that what I’m supposed to- Ah… Ah… Mr: To Reboot you simply choose yes if the computer asks you whether to turn itself off and then on again Felix:Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that seems a lil too complicated. Mr: Its the way the computer gets started with your program Girl: but what if you’re still having trouble Pewdiepie: then you’re fucking retarded Mrs: Here are some applications that can bring hours of enjoyment to every member of the family Felix: hours??!? Mrs: They’re called graphics programs! Felix: Graphic Pro- Felix:Graphics! Graphics Programs! Mrs: they give you the chance to be really creative by using the computer to help you draw and paint digitally Felix:Whoa! Mr.: I love the Graphics on the computer Felix: WHOA!!!!! Felix: DUDE! thats some psycadellic shit! Mr.: I prepared this club’s newsletter last month using microsoft publisher and there are other great home graphic software programs out there too Felix: DUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!! SICK Boy: How’d ya do it dad? Everyone was so impressed by how professional it looked! Felix (Mocking): PLEASE DAD TELL us the SECRET everyone was like ‘DAWG! Duude- THIS is the sickest pro document I’ve ever SEEN” Felix (Still Mocking): DAD! PLEASE! Mrs: I even helped my sister create a new resume when she was looking for a job! Mr (awkwardly): *Clears Throat* Isn’t she uh, still out of work? Felix: (Confused) What the fuck- What are they hinting at here? What does that mean? (Mocking) Ah she- (Confused) Felix: What the- look at peter(the boy), Peter always has the best face! Mrs: Depending on the application you’ll have- Felix: How- why- Who looks at someone like that? I’m sorry. Felix (Mocking The Father): Thats right bitch tell them about the graphic- computer program . (Another Jazzy Rendition) All because of computer chip (Felix sings along) Mrs: One of the most popular programs for home computers is money management, after all or most of us perplexed about where all the money goes?? Felix (Laughing, almost whispering): Where does all the money go? Mrs: Its one of the things I like best now that I become a computer whiz Felix: Oh my god, the cringe, oh my god, the cringe, my god, the cringe, oh my god, oh my god Mr: Unfortunately viruses and our computers are as real as viruses in our families- Mrs: (Sneeze) Felix: Oh my god. The cringe.. Oh my god, kill me, Kill me! The mom needs to go, okay The mom needs to go. This is some-
some Tyra Banks’ level of comedy, man.. (Tyra Banks pretends to have rabies footage) Girl: how often do we actually have the back things up? Boy: At school they told us we should do it every few minutes Felix: (Chuckling) *Intense Music* Felix: Jesus, Felix, Yelling: Back it up! it’s been a few minutes! Back up! Back up! Back up! Or you are losing minutes here, Precious minutes! (Another Jazzy Rendition) All because of computer chip (Felix sings along) Boy: You know dad, almost all the cool stuff for computers these days comes on CD Roms! Boy: Games, shareware- Felix: 3D PINBALL! YES! Girl: I became better in math because i use Mighty Math: Calculating Crew, when i was only three. Felix: (Unimpressed) When you were only three, you were- playing this computer game. Sure buddy. Sure. Mrs: I do think that a little information on how to set up the new color printer would be helpful though. MR: I agree! Mrs: How about you Peter? Boy: I can handle it! (Badass music) (Jazzy Instrumental) Felix: “farewell” Oh no… Don’t go… Felix: (Yelling) Yeah, come on, let Peter tell us about some more – computer programs. It’s f*ckin- Jamison Family: (Together) See you next time! Felix (Imitating Kazoo Kid): Spee-cial Friend… Special Friend…
(Background music started) (Song) Twilight Zone to star trek!!! Hardware, software, take a seat- -if you DARE! Power up! Download! Database! Break the code! CD ROM! Super slip! POINT-AND-CLICK IT! Take a spin! Now you’re in really techno hip All because of a computer chip! Pewds: YEAH! Great! Alright, I hope you enjoyed this.. Let me know if you want me to do more, leave a like! and uh, yeah I hope you- I hope you enjoyed it. As always- Stay awesome- I mean (Grunting) Pewdiepie and Jazzy tune together: ALL BECAUSE OF A COMPUTER CHIP!!! Got damn this captioning shit is hard, love u all bros! I mean sister!