Hasan’s Ideas For The Olympics | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act With Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

Hasan’s Ideas For The Olympics | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act With Hasan Minhaj | Netflix


“We’ve seen in the past how politics can
impact business. And now with Equinox
and SoulCycle, and their owner
supporting Trump – What are your
thoughts on this? Should politics influence
business this way?” We’re gonna open with that? Alright look, I’ll say this – Boycotting is definitely better
than doing nothing. Like, it is definitely a step
in the right direction. However, I just wanna
make it very clear, this is not the same as voting. Like I just wanna make
that very clear, like, there’s levels to it. But I think it’s a great
excuse for, um… me because I’m lazy.
You know? And, people will be like, “Man you haven’t worked
out in, like, weeks.” And I’m like, “I can’t – We gotta get Trump
out of the White House– Dude! I am doing this for America! I haven’t done
cardio because I care. Why are you getting ripped?” It’s a— it’s an amazing excuse. It’s the best. You know, you know they also –
the dude owns Blink too, right? I messed up – I messed
up some peoples’ day. they’re like, “Aw no.” What’s the – what’s
the Blink tagline? It’s like, “You’re great
the way you are,” right? It’s something like that, right? How much is it? It’s not ten bucks, for real? It’s Planet Fitness? Planet Fitness is
like, “It’s five bucks. You don’t even have
to pay. Just come in, do whatever you want, like… as far – This is
a public facility.” I bet you we find out, like, Bernie Sanders
owns Planet Fitness. He’s like, “This is
for the 99 percent.” You know when I first
moved to New York I was, I was Planet Fitness. I was just like – I was like, “Hey man I
need, I need to use a gym.” And then I, like, went in and
they have pizza Tuesdays. I’m like, “This isn’t right.” This isn’t like – I totally get the, the price
point. But don’t give me – “You want a slice?,”
as I’m like, leaving. Everyone has their line, right? Of where we pick our, “Alright,
this is where I boycott.” Did you do the Chick-fil-a? What? I know! It’s hard, right? But then I was thinking
about this, right? Say – say we all were like, “Equinox, we’re not
doing it. We’re out.” But then what if all the
Trump supporters get ripped? Cause they already
have all the guns. Now they’re also jacked? So, hear me out. We gotta – what we gotta do is we gotta start our own gym. And I’m just gonna
crowdsource everything, like, “You got a tire?”
Like, “Bring a tire.” “You got a tire?”
Like, “Bring a tire.” I’ll bring my dad’s
NordicTrack. I gotta Google this I’m like,
“NordicTrack is that like, a socialist thing? Or is it,
like, owned by, like, a Nazi?” I don’t know. We gotta find out. “When your
daughter is eighteen, what do you hope the major
headlines of the day will be? Or what topics would you hope
to be covering on the show?” Guys, what? 20– it’ll be 2036. I’ll be 50. I hope I’m not hosting
the show. At that point I’m gonna – I’m gonna give it
to Jaden Smith. Jennie, we gotta just
hand it to Jaden. Is that – is that a good choice? Give it to Jaden. I’d love to see what he does. I think he’ll like the screens. Jaden, you like the screens. What if I was still hosting? I’d still be making SAT jokes. People are like, “We get it. It’s been 20 years, get over it.” “What urban legend
or conspiracy theory do you actually believe
in? Beside aliens.” This is Jacob. Alright, alright, let
me just say this. I’m gonna say this right now. Toy Story is real. It’s real, dude, it’s real. I’ll – I’ll admit it. Remember, like,
when you were a kid– I remember I was a kid when I
first saw it and you know like when you turn around
and they, like, collapse? That’s what they do. And you can’t not prove it. How do you know? You don’t know. Every time you walk away, like the stuffed animals
are breakdancing. You turn around
and they’re like: “Where would your
friends or family be most surprised
to find you?” Why is that so funny? At Equinox. I’m on the elliptical.
I’m wearing a MAGA hat. Everyone’s like: Kanye’s next to me
on a NordicTrack. It’s just like, rips a hole through the
space time continuum. Where would you be?
Where would you be where your friends
would be like, “What?!” Library? Oh, come on. Come on. What do you think man?
What do you think? Where would your friends
be like, “You’re there?!” An F-1 track? Alright that’s not – I don’t even know
what that means. “What is untrue about
your Wikipedia page?” Alright. Everything there
is true you guys. I wrote everything. Nah man, you know
what we need to do? I don’t know if anyone here
is a Wikipedia super user. But – I want you guys
to get in there, if you’re watching this
or if you’re here. Just let’s change
some stuff about me. Let’s think– I don’t know
just think of something. What could I – What do you think
would be like a fun thing to make up in my… I won the spelling bee? You should totally do that. Be like, “In 1993 at Pioneer
Elementary School, Hasan Minhaj placed
first in the spelling bee.” No, it should – there should also be
something like, just stupid. Like, “Hasan Minhaj loves
Honey Bunches of Oats.” It’s a good– it’s a great cereal. Pound for pound,
the greatest. You had HB? You had
some HB Double O? What we talking
about, blue box or we talking
about gold box? Which one are
we talking about? You said, “Double blue box?” Wait, you said the
blue box, right? It’s from Costco – Oh, the giant one where it’s, like, multiple bags. Oh man. And do – How many
people do you live with? Oh! Okay, okay. If you lived solo and
you had just the Costco– I’d be like, “Alright,
you’re really doing it.” How fast do you
guys go through it? What?! Damn. That’s smart that
you went to Costco. You ever, like, try to get Honey
Bunches of Oats at a bodega? And they’re like,
“$19, cash only.” You’re like,
“Cash only? What?” What’s your favorite
cereal of all time? Cinnamon Toast Crunch. You can kinda tell
what age people are by like, you know,
what cereal they like. Like I have, like – some of my friends
that are, like, ten years older
than me are just like, “Honey Nut Cheerios.” And I’m like, “Is this what my
40s is gonna be?” I remember growing up and,
like, loving, like, being, like, cause all my favorite
athletes were, like, on the Wheaties box. I’m like, “I gotta get Wheaties.” And then you eat it and it’s
the worst cereal ever made. Ugh, Wheaties is gross. How are they still making it? “Will America
destroy the world–” What?! “Before we make it to 2024?” This is from Jennifer. Hey. Why so, why so dark? Really, so what do
you do to, like… get out of that darkness? Okay. Sometimes you eat kale? That makes you happy? You think we’re gonna
make it to 2024? We gotta make it, we have to. You wanna know why? It’s the Summer Olympics. Don’t you love the
Summer Olympics? They’re great. You know what I love? Gymnastics is yours? I love gymnastics too, yeah. Yeah. What’s great about
the Summer Olympics is you don’t have to be super hardcore about
any of the sports. Right, like, everybody kinda
doesn’t know anything about swimming. But you’re
like, “Yeah that’s the – They’re doing it right!” Do we know anything– do I know anything
about pole vault? Nothing! But like, it’s also cool to just, like, at six o’clock in the morning
you’re just watching sports. I don’t know, it’s, like, a cool – We gotta make it to 2024. Summer Olympics
is the way to go. Don’t you love the
Summer Olympics? It’s, you know–
swimming is yours? You know what’s cool
about it, Eddie? It’s the one place where
nationalism is fine. You know what I mean? You could be like, “Russia!,”
And you’re like, “Cool.” “America!” You’re like, “Fine.” Remove that and
you’re like, “Amer–” and you’re like,
“Alright, alright man.” “Alright, we get it we get it.” You know what we need to do? Just to like – because it brings
the world together. And we can get out
all of that, like, nationalistic anger into
sports, which is great. So it’s, like, meaningful
but it means nothing. But they’re, like, standing
and they’re like, “I’m better than you,”
and you’re like, “This is curling,
what does it…?” But it does matter –
but it doesn’t. That’s what I love
about sports. We just need to
do it every year. Every year. Summer Olympics every year. And, we gotta do what the NBA did. You know how everyone’s,
like, just trading players? it’s like, “Ryan Lochte’s
playing for Russia.” We’re like, “What?! This is, oh
shit we gotta watch,” right? And it’s just that. That’s
our Cold War. That’s it. One year, then they trade
Ryan to China. And we’re like, “Aw it’s gettin’–
it’s gettin’ interesting.” No war, that’s how the – You do the, you do
the wars that way. Like these two
countries are beefing? You guys– hurdles. Go! Right? And you’re like, “Alright.” “What are your thoughts
on the fish tube?” Okay, that was good. This is from Emily and Julia. Uh, okay, do you guys know
what the fish tube is? Alright, so basically – Eddie you know what
the fish tube is? Okay. It sends the fish upstream
so they can spawn. Which is kinda like, it’s going over, like, these
dams and they gotta get– they gotta get to the action. They gotta get busy. It’s the express train
to fish pleasure. I know we’re talking
about public transit, like, it’s their new
public transit. Now I don’t know if the
fish are getting hurt, but it looks like this, like, zip
line, like the shoot thing. They put them– and then they
just pop out on the other side. I feel like the fish tube
should replace the F train. Just like put me in the
fish tube get me there. Can you imagine– but Eddie,
can you imagine this? No, but imagine. Imagine just for a
second. Eddie, imagine. We’re both –
we’re married, right? Say your wife calls you and she’s like, “Be home in 30 minutes. Eddie, you know why.” And you’re like, “Let me
get to the fish tube. I’ll be there in ten.” Wouldn’t that be awesome? You would ride the…

Danny Hutson

100 thoughts on “Hasan’s Ideas For The Olympics | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act With Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

  1. Someone really did that on Wikipedia lol

    "Among other achievements such as claiming to have placed first in a 1993 spelling bee at Pioneer Elementary School, part of the Davis Joint Unified School District, Minhaj confirmed a love for breakfast cereal Honey Bunches of Oats in August 2019.[38]"

  2. Pakistan blacklisted by FATF for shielding terrorists and China destroys democracy and peace in Tibet and Hong Kong. These are the neighbours INDIA has to live with. On top of that, this propaganda puppet of Pakistan spreads hate about India. People should boycott this guy and get him sacked.

  3. I don't understand why american are so much believer of armageddon,the world is cruel and dangerous places, i thing the world is beautiful places just united states is hell bent on destroying it,terrorising innocent people around the globe

  4. Now it's, "Among other achievements such as claiming to have placed first in a 1993 spelling bee at Pioneer Elementary School, part of the Davis Joint Unified School District, Minhaj confirmed a love for breakfast cereal Honey Bunches of Oats in August 2019" in Wikipedia

  5. What’s hilarious is that I was on his Wikipedia page trying to figure out how old he is as I’m watching this…

  6. you know whats funnier than the fishtube? dropping 70,000 fish from a helicopter. this was ofcourse, before the fish tube. looks like it hurt the damned fishes though. heres the link: youtube(dot)com/watch?v=-8bwZPIzuug Video is called: Why Utah Drops Fish Out Of Airplanes Into Their Mountain Lakes
    i Bet youre going to giggle if youre stoned

  7. From Wiki

    " Among other achievements such as claiming to have placed first in a 1993 spelling bee at Pioneer Elementary School, part of the Davis Joint Unified School District, Minhaj confirmed a love for breakfast cereal Honey Bunches of Oats in August 2019.[38] "

  8. Whenever Hasan gives the wide eyed deep eye contact, all I can think of is Lilly Singh doing her impression of him

  9. Ever notice everyone calls him Hassan Min-Ahj, but he calls himself Min-Haj. You know, like it's spelled. I feel like that's a pretty easy pronunciation to get right.

  10. Wikipedia: Extended confirmed protection (ECP), allows edits ONLY by editors with the EC user access level (ECUAL). Updates to Wikipedia frozen until Sep 5 – way to break wikipedia Hasan.

  11. From his actual wiki page
    Among other achievements such as claiming to have placed first in a 1993 spelling bee at Pioneer Elementary School, part of the Davis Joint Unified School District, Minhaj confirmed a love for breakfast cereal Honey Bunches of Oats in August 2019.[38]

  12. I just checked wikipedia and there were over 30 edits to Hasan's page that they protected FROM VANDALISM! yall, wikipedia has had ENOUGH of your bullshit. LMAO!

  13. This guy wants to impose american values on his the country of his own parents. For some reason talked about a SECTION 370. Idiot doesnt know the difference between section and article.

  14. The Olympics are tools of corruption and greed, nothing more. They enable governments to launder previous illegal amounts of tax dollars directly into their GDP to inflate their foreign investment ratings artificially. Much as most nations use their defense budgets today to do.

  15. Your right boycotting isn't voting, boycotting and striking actually work… voting at this point is just the illusion of doing something…

  16. HASAN MINHAJ -This so called 'Indian' American comedian has shown his FANATIC Islamic side by supporting PAKISTAN, A TERROR STATE which has SHELTERED OSAMA BIN LADEN for 10 years and LIED ABOUT HIS WHEREABOUTS and also which is active in ETHNICALLY CLEANSING its own MINORITIES (including ahmediya and BALOCHISTAN muslims) in its own land and kashmiri hindus in India.. This trash of a comedian should be shamed and boycotted…

  17. please make one episode on Indian Media…please make one episode on Indian Media…
    please make one episode on Indian Media…please make one episode on Indian Media…

    please make one episode on Indian Media…please make one episode on Indian Media…

    please make one episode on Indian Media…please make one episode on Indian Media…

    please make one episode on Indian Media…please make one episode on Indian Media…

    please make one episode on Indian Media…please make one episode on Indian Media…

    please make one episode on Indian Media…please make one episode on Indian Media…

  18. Wheaties actually became my go-to in my 20s. It's probably my favorite cereal now. Not even lying about it. I used to be a big HBOO's guy but not anymore.

  19. Really disappointed to see your thoughts on Kashmir man. Do your research before saying that you are concerned about the state. It was infested with terrorists and the only way to get rid of those was through direct Central control.

  20. Hasan to Jennifer: so what do you do to get out of the darkness?
    *while Jennifer sits IN the darkness

    The ironing is delicious

  21. Boicoting is just idiot from the start: why should we expect that big business wouldn't support openly or discreetly politician from whom they'll benefit. Even if they seem to not have any political afilitian they know always very well here their interests of class are better defended

  22. Current wiki page includes:
    "Among other achievements such as claiming to have placed first in a 1993 spelling bee at Pioneer Elementary School, part of the Davis Joint Unified School District, Minhaj confirmed a love for breakfast cereal Honey Bunches of Oats in August 2019.[38]"

  23. For the Olympics, the Japanese government has raised its previous permissible radiation standard of 1 mSv by 20 times to 20 mSv. Are Fukushima and Tokyo really safe? Many foreign media are worried about hosting the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. The Japanese government should show responsible explanations and efforts to respond to their concerns. But the Japanese government is only bent on hiding the truth, controlling the media and manipulating public opinion. At this rate, the 2020 Tokyo Olympics will be a disaster for the world.

    https://www.google.co.kr/url?sa=i&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwjl65j9vIbkAhUbFYgKHZaLCkQQzPwBegQIARAC&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.latimes.com%2Fsports%2Folympics%2Fstory%2F2019-08-12%2Ftokyo-olympics-2020-fukushima-nuclear-disaster&psig=AOvVaw048JnNBW3i3teS3QbhAkdc&ust=1566013485076313

    https://youtu.be/DUX0pcUQOMs

    https://youtu.be/YpxtMBOiD6A

    https://youtu.be/i0hgfBkIBDM

    http://www.fukushima-is-still-news.com/2019/03/tokyo-2020-the-radioactive-olympics.html

    https://thediplomat.com/2019/03/the-truth-about-radiation-in-fukushima/

    https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fukushima-residents-return-despite-radiation/

    https://deadspin.com/japanese-government-wants-evacuees-to-return-to-fukushi-1833156282

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